&

"A woman with the 'habit of freezing' and who hates being touched. The reason for that is because she doesn't want to let anyone in. But right now she is attracted by and wants to get to the core of this story. Perhaps she's being a fool. Nevertheless, she wants to take a peak inside him."

Unattached and unmotivated, Aoki Kaoru is a 26 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend. Her severe adversity to physical touch causes misunderstandings, and as a result, she keeps others at a distance. Aoki decides to start up a nail salon as a side business in addition to her regular job as a medical clerk until she can quit. She stumbles across an old college underclassman friend, Shiro, and convinces him to loan her space in his own business’s building. Shiro is very talented, handsome, has liked Aoki since college where they first met, and is a bit awkward, but somewhat endearing. It’s a standard setup for an incredibly…. boring and predictable romance story. And it’s not why we’re here.

Yagai Kouga is a 45 year old doctor that works at Kaoru’s hospital. Yagai is a talented, but infamous doctor. He’s blunt, arrogant, and a bit crude, but still manages to command the respect of others. He’s just not exactly the refined, older gentleman that you’d expect in a romance manga. The first time we meet him, Aoki wakes him from a nightmare. One of their first interactions is Yagai’s hand grabbing hers, confused from the dream. Here, Aoki does not pull back, she does not fear his touch. She even goes back in to touch the scar on his hand when he pulls away. This the beginning of a true turning point for her from her previous hatred of another’s touch.

And that is what it's all about. & is about touch: people who hate being touched, people too scared to touch, people learning to communicate through touch, people suppressing the desire to touch… This is where & comes alive. The sexual desire and need to be touched but the adversity to connection, displayed abstractly through the panel flow and all the artsy decoration Okazaki adds to the panels. All this shows perfectly the exact emotions that the leads are feeling, whether it’s love, fear, sexual desire, or loneliness, Okazaki makes sure through her art you are feeling what the leads are.

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire is a reoccuring theme within Okazaki’s ‘&’. Constantly, we are shown Aoki’s struggle with sexuality, touch, and desire. Very early on in the manga, Aoki explains that she doesn’t like being touched by other people, that she never really has. In a flashback, it shows men trying to touch, be close, and express themselves sexually with Aiko. She is shown being uncomfortable and upset by this, in turn the men grow angry. She expresses ‘Guys would get angry at me instead of the other way around, or would talk trash about me, or make me lose heart, or make me run away. But… What's so bad about being single?’

She is naïve, inexperienced, she doesn’t quite know what sexual desire is or means. In chapter 5, she begins to be able to identify some kind of feeling. That there is something inside of her that has been bugging and irritating her, but she can’t name it. This feeling only comes when she is around Yagai, and it’s both her sexual desire and her desire for love. Part of Aoki’s sexual desire is related to her need to have her freedom controlled, her desire to be with someone, but not knowing exactly what that means. Yagai is a perfect catalyst for this desire, he is experienced, stubborn, a bit rude and demanding. He takes charge, allowing Aoki to feel as she may, whether that's feeling sexual desire or descending into the darkness that is (to her) loneliness, sex without love.

“Freedom then feels like an insecurity. I hate freedom so much that I even imagine myself being tied up. That could possibly be… because before you get to ‘freedom’, you have to think of yourself in terms of being ‘alone’.”

Despite how much she wants to change, she can’t. She needs a catalyst for that change, and she thinks that it is Yagai.

In chapter 15, Yagai brings her home after she begins to faint from illness at work. This is the first time he has brought her to his house. Here, Okazaki is concentrating on the duality of affection and arousal. She’s writing a story from and for a feminine perspective. Looking closely at the hands of the lover, the delicacy of his touch (the juxtaposition of his scars and taut knuckles with his cupping support of her ankle), allowing the reveal of her body to matter, because it’s her body and he’s getting to see it—these are details that matter, when sex is created for consumption. The arch of her foot is a very sensitive and rarely seen area: it’s open to him. This scene tells us everything, which is that he can have her if he wants. All it would take is trying, and she’d like it. She would gladly be devoured.

He’s caring for her so gently, taking her temperature, inspecting her throat, it's depicted as erotic affection, just a hint of sexual desire. This is where Okazaki’s eroticism truly shines, Aoki’s face is flushed, she’s half dressed, Yagai’s hands are on display in most of the frames, it's a complete change from his usual selfish behavior. He does truly care for her. Even now, undressing her to make sure she’s comfortable, he’s having flashbacks to the body of his ex, scarred and stitched. The page looks as if it's leaking down, pouring darkness from his memories. He still touches and cares for her. He blushes at the contact. It’s truly a pivotal moment for Yagai.

Yet after they finally have sex later in chapter 18, Aoki laments: ‘I thought that having sex would make two people feel the same way. The other person would flow into you, and you would flow into the other person. I thought it was a physical exercise that brought two people equally closer.” They have not closed the gap between sexual desire and love. He is just her lover, nothing more. She becomes aware of how illusioned she has been from his touch, reflecting back on her first inner thought in chapter 1: "Every time I really want something. it never exists in the shape that I want it to be."

Puchi-Furi

Now this is the part that truly stumped me...

In &, Puchi-Furi is described as

"When your PC freezes constantly, no matter how many times you restart, it’ll freeze suddenly, so your computer basically gets into ‘a habit of freezing’."

And as a side note, as:

"Puchi-Furi/Petit freeze is a phenomenon where response from the OS is lost temporarily"

I'm not sure if it is long lost Japanese slang, a mistranslation, or something the author completely made up... but how interesting! Having a clear overarching theme be referred to something that is literally nowhere online (from what I can find) just makes me love & even more.

Here is where Puchi-Furi is referred to, right in the second chapter. (Image on left)

She then goes to say "Doesn't that sound like you [Aoki]? You're always coming to a stop. Puchi-Furi."

If anyone recognizes the word or is willing to translate the original if it may be a mistranslation, please let me know! I'd love to know the author's intentions with this and the origin of the word.

Final thoughts

& is a very realistic depiction of a woman in her mid twenties who is stuck, which is a feeling most people have in their mid-twenties. Mari Okazaki is an insanely talented mangaka and while the art may be very early 2000s (I love the style personally), I think that adds to it's charm. Especially with the decoration Okazaki adds to panels, the feelings practically flow off the page. It's heartbreaking and hopeful all at the same time. And it is extremely, terribly underrated.